


What If?

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Incest, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25705156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: by Acer canadensisPippin's been thinking.
Relationships: Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took
Kudos: 1
Collections: Least Expected





	What If?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien is an incredible man whose works I am not worthy to touch. Call it the spell of the Ring that I do anyway.  
> Feedback: All types of feedback welcome. Really.

Meriadoc Brandybuck was utterly content. His stomach was full, the mattress beneath him was thick and soft, and Pippin lay warm in his arms, dozing in post-coital languor. The Black Riders were gone, harmless for the time being, and Frodo was recovering nicely. Their adventures hadn't gone quite as he'd planned, but the danger seemed to be past, and when all was said and done, it just made him that much more appreciative of the finer things in life. He smiled into the rumpled curls just brushing his cheek and closed his eyes, preparing to take a bit of an afternoon nap himself before supper. He was just drifting off when the sound of his name called him back to the present.

"Merry?"

"Mmm?" Pippin hadn't moved, and was murmuring dreamily into his chest.

"Did you ever wish I was a girl?"

Merry's eyes flew open. "What?"

Pippin rolled over a little, propping himself lazily on one elbow while his free hand stayed resting on Merry's stomach. "Did you ever wish that I was a girl?" he repeated patiently. "Or that you were," he added, as an afterthought.

Merry blinked. "God, no."

"Why not?" Pippin gazed thoughtfully out the window, absently tracing his fingers in distracting little patterns. "We could get married. Not that I want anything mushy and romantic, you understand," he added hastily, glancing anxiously down at Merry's bemused face before letting his eyes glaze over with thought again. "Though I suppose if I were a girl, I might want that. But it would be such a splendid party... loads of food, gallons of ale, all our families gathered together to wish us well..."

" _Family,_ " Merry corrected, dryly. "We're _cousins,_ Pip. And that's just why this scheme of yours wouldn't work. Most of the Shire doesn't think much of, ah, keeping it in the family. Not to mention the fact that you're underage."

"Only by four years!"

"Four years or fourteen, it would still be enough to set tongues wagging. If you were a girl, folk would have to take notice of us."

Pippin sighed. "I suppose you're right."

"I know I'm right," Merry answered, capturing the hand that was now tracing lazy circles around his right nipple. "We're rather lucky, really. As it is, people will just suppose we're a couple of eccentric old bachelors sharing a hole for convenience as we haven't got the sense to settle down." He grinned wickedly. "Probably what comes of associating with that queer Mr. Baggins and his adventure stories."

Pippin bit back a laugh. "Very queer!" he snickered, diving down to plant a raspberry on Merry's chest. "There's not been a lass in Bag End in a hundred years!" There was a brief tussle, ending breathlessly with Pippin draped neatly on top of Merry, legs and elbows hanging down on either side as though he were balancing on a large tree branch and chin propped on his folded hands. After a moment's happy silence, he picked up his questioning where he'd left off. "So what if I were a girl who *wasn't* related to you?"

Merry groaned, letting his head fall back on the pillow and gazing up at the ceiling. "Pip, Elrond already doesn't want us going along on this quest thing. Do you really think he'd send a lass?"

"Well..."

"What brought this on, anyway?" There was no reproach in his tone, only curiosity and a touch of concern.

Pippin shrugged, a difficult maneuver in his present position. "Nothing much. I was just thinking of how nice it was, being here with you like this and nobody thinking anything of it. For all the magic and everything, elves are a lot more _sensible_ than hobbits in some ways."

"Oh." He half-smiled, reaching up to brush a wayward lock of hair away from Pippin's eyes. "I really don't mind, Pip." A great deal more was said silently with his eyes, and the moment was in serious danger of becoming hopelessly romantic when his smile suddenly widened. "For one thing, if you were a girl, I couldn't do _this._ " Catching him off-balance, he flipped Pippin onto his back in one smooth motion and disappeared beneath the sheets.

"Oh," said Pippin.

**END**

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